How to Properly and Safely Manscape your Nether Regions
The first part of your nether regions to attack is the Pubic Patch, the grassy knoll or bush that sits above the shaft. If this is your first time Manscaping, then you first want to thin out this bush with a pair of small scissors like the pair from The Shears kit (this step gets lost with proper maintenance”. Next… grab your The Lawn Mower, a uniquely small, yet powerful, trimmer that helps navigate those hard-to-reach areas. Gently glide through your Pubic Patch using your desired guard setting for optimal length and efficiency. If your Pubic Patch hair tends to meet and blend in with the hair from your thigh area, and you're looking for more definition, don’t be afraid to migrate that trimmer south and remove all that excess thigh hair. And if you have hair on your shaft… carefully remove it using the razor, once you're in the shower for Step 2 (see below) again going “with” the grain, using small strokes and pulling the skin taut. This makes your “tree” look like it’s standing taller!
The second area of manscaping concern is your twins, or danglies, or balls, as they’re most commonly referred to as. These can be tricky and intimidating, as they tend to have a mind of their own. But have no fear, we’ve got your nuts covered! Once again, if this is your first time Manscaping, then you’re going to want to take out the bulk of your ball bush by using your trimmer first. With the guard on, lightly hover and glide around the sack and under the back to cut down the bulk. Make sure that the trimmer never comes in direct contact with your sack as the twins could become fearful and move on you, causing snags and potential serious damage to yourself. Seriously fellas, these need proper treatment. “This can be dangerous, so make sure you move into maintenance mode as soon as possible, to skip this step in the future.”
Silky smooth is the goal of the next step. Once the bulk has been removed, jump in the shower and lather up your bits and pieces. Grab The Plow, your double-edged straight razor, and gently, slowly, glide along your sack, making sure to go with the grain. Remember to use small strokes, and pull the skin taut to help navigate and avoid injury. Be sure to use the weight of the razor with no added pressure to avoid irritation, snagging, and ingrown hairs. This might sound scary, but after your first stroke, you will be hooked, and these puppies come out as smooth as a baby’s bottom -- She won’t be able to keep her hands off of them! Once completed, be sure the “sperm factory” is in tip-top shape for the remainder of the day. Use your Crop Preserver to deodorize, moisturizer, and balance pH levels throughout the day. This will help maintain a perfect package. If you feel the crops welting over time, re-invigorate and spruce them up with a few cooling spritzes from your Crop Reviver.
Congratulations! You’ve just completed your first weed whacking. Now move into maintenance mode by simply trimming your Pubic Patch to its desired length, and shaving your balls with The Plow to avoid irritation. Do this once a week, or more... depending on how hairy you are or what part of the world you’re from. Your Manscaping lotion and liquid formulations should be used daily for optimum pH levels, hydration, and cleanliness, keeping the twig and berries in tip-top shape for anything life wants to throw at you.
Now get out there and STAND TALLER!