101 Funny Slang Names for the Male Penis
Did you know that Inuit people have 50 different words for snow? It’s an indicator that snow is an important part of their lives and has been for a long time. That’s really telling when you think about how many words there are for a man’s genitals. While “penis” is the technical medical term, it’s the one we use the least. This list has 101 different names for your junk (that makes 102). You’ll get a laugh out of at least a few of them.
1. Womb Broom
Any ladies need help cleaning their closet? Ok, that might not make sense, but this is still a good one.
2. Womb Raider
We’d play all 20 installments of this game series.
3. Weapon of Ass Destruction
This one speaks for itself.
4. Vlad the Impaler
It’s a classic for a reason.
5. Uncle Reamus
This probably has British origins. They’re still the masters of dirty language.
6. Trouser Snake
Sometimes this is a euphemism. Sometimes it’s a terrifying camping story.
7. Tan Banana
This is only true for the bold. Some might find the prospect of a sunburned penis terrifying.
8. Sex Pistol
Which came first — the band or the slang term?
9. Russell the One-Eyed Muscle
If you can think of another name that rhymes with muscle, feel free to sub it.
10. One-Eyed Monster
There are a lot of “one-eyed” slang terms. It’s important to have variety.
11. One-Eyed Trouser Trout
Whoever decided to call a penis a trouser trout probably has an interesting story.
Be honest. You’re disappointed you didn’t think of this first.
13. Richard and the Twins
Speaking of Richard, a kid called us a Richard Cranium once. It took us a while to get it.
14. Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
Any reference to the dong being a purple helmet is gold in my book.
15. Puff the One-Eyed Dragon
It breathes fire when it gets puffed! Well, sort of.
16. Prince Everhard of the Netherlands
This could also be the name of a band. Or an album!
17. Pleasure Pump
It’s accurate, simple, and effective.
18. Moby Dick
Every young boy in the world laughed the first time he heard this book title. It had to be on the list.
19. Lord Hardwick
Our penises are definitely nobility. How about yours?
20. Long Dong Silver
Have you ever read Treasure Island? Now you don’t have to!
21. Lap Rocket
Well, it can be explosive at times.
This has to be the most demeaning term you can level at another human being.
23. King Dong
I mean, obviously. Right?
24. Just-in Beaver
Easily the best thing to come from Bieber's famed career.
25. Herman von Longschlongenstein
Remember it’s pronounced “Stine” and not “Steen.”
26. Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
If this doesn’t make you rethink everything about your own penis . . .
27. Frank n’ Beans
It’s a weird mental image if you think about it too hard.
28. Fuck Puppet
Right to the point!
You’ve made this joke. Don’t lie.
30. Energizer Bunny
That ad campaign has been around for a long time. So has this nickname.
31. Disco Stick
This feels dated until you realize disco is still a thing in Europe. No, really.
32. The Dicktator
You just chuckled, didn’t you? Welcome to your future. It’s all dad jokes from here.
If you have eight members, you need to see a doctor. Or a publicist.
34. Clam Hammer
It even helps produce pearl necklaces.
35. Cave Hunter
It’s not the funniest name on the list, but it still feels appropriate.
36. Blue Veined Aristocrat
The little guy only has to be an aristocrat in public. Behind closed doors is another story.
37. Atomic Turtle
We're honestly not sure why it’s atomic, but it feels right.
38. Action Jackson
Try not to conflate this with a Disney Channel show you watched as a young child.
39. Mutton Dagger
There seems to be a recurring theme of objects that pierce and meat.
40. Yogurt Slinger
An all-time classic. It’s funny. It’s gross. It has everything.
41. Meat Scepter
Remember gents, mushroom stamps are a form of harassment.
42. Wedding Wrecker
Oofa. This might be a little too true.
43. Spam Javelin
Another meat piercer. Cool.
44. Tuna Torpedo
The theme reigns.
45. Dora the Explorer
It’s a joke that had to be made. But at what expense?!
46. Vagina Miner
Is this a real occupation???
47. Jurassic Pork
You’ll never watch those movies the same way again.
48. Tiny Tim
Hopefully, this doesn’t imply your Tiny Tim needs a crutch. Although, he probably has a nasty cough.
49. The Bone Ranger
50. Woody Womb Pecker
At some point, you’re going to have to come to terms with your fear of children.
51. Ass Opener
You might not believe it, but this is actually a very old nickname. It stems from the 1890s.
52. Ass Wedge
This is also from the 1890s. It’s hard to say which is better.
Does this make implications about Bayonetta?
54. Beard Splitter
Great. Now we're associating vaginas with dwarves or some shit.
55. Best Leg of Three
This is just truth.
56. Brat Getter
Well, go get ‘em.
57. Bum Tickler
It’s ok if you giggled. It’s the right response.
58. Bush Whacker
This does not mean you should attach a hair trimmer to your penis. Put it down!
59. Creamy Hunter
60. Customs Officer
This is my new favorite.
61. Dr. Johnson
Let’s be real. The little guy has earned a title of respect.
62. Eye Opener
Sometimes it’s also an eye closer.
63. Father Confessor
If he can elicit cries to God, then this sounds about right.
Yes, it’s a pun. You know you like it.
65. Lance of Love
An oldie but a goodie.
66. Leather Stretcher
Try not to associate this one with Leatherface.
67. Life Preserver
If someone is drowning, don’t throw them your penis.
68. The Heimlich
The next time someone shouts “Giver her the Heimlich!” You know what to do.
69. Love Dart
It’s important to practice your aim.
This makes an odd amount of sense.
71. Master of Ceremonies
He’s good at it too.
72. Meat Skewer
This one isn’t trying too hard, is it?
What does this make the milkman’s daughter?
He does like to burrow into a hole.
This got meta when Pee-Wee Herman got in trouble for showing his Pee-Wee.
You shouldn’t be pitching a tent right now . . .
78. Silent Flute
Well, sometimes sound comes out.
79. Skin Flute
But it’s not always melodic.
If you tell this lie enough times it might actually work.
Maybe purplecap would be better, but that’s not a pun.
Forget aristocracy! He’s royalty.
When the snake becomes the charmer . . .
He really is. After all that abuse you’ve put him through, it’s the only right word.
85. Baby Fetcher
You’re still flinching? You know where babies come from, right?
If the female counterpart is called an axe wound, then this one has to be on the list.
You can use it during the day too. It’s ok.
There might never have been a truer name for a man’s junk.
89. Gospel Pipe
You just want to believe this one.
I took this too literally once. I’m still dizzy.
91. Family Organ
Get it? Eh?
92. Crown Jewels
Also known as the family jewels.
93. Ham Bone
I’ll never understand why the male member is associated with pork.
94. Old Boy
This is actually the most British thing ever said.
He is vital to foreign relations.
96. Organ Grinder
97. Bald-Headed Sailor
We probably don’t relate to the baldness of our penises enough.
98. One-Eyed Rattlesnake
Thankfully he’s not venomous.
99. Tonsil Tickler
Only on a good day.
It might imply a small penis, but the oral connotation is worth it.
101. The Fantastic Four
This name can be adapted to many forms: the furious five, the salacious six, the dirty dozen. The idea is that you’re implying the length of your penis in the joke. The key is to never use the same phrase twice. You want to keep people guessing.