How to Prevent Pineapple Penis and What the Hell Is It?
There are few horrors that can reach to the depths of a man’s soul and instill a cold, irrepressible shiver. Almost all of them involve a penis in some way. Before you turn away in fear, it’s important that you understand the consequence of what you’re about to learn. Pineapple penis isn’t for the faint of heart, but it has ruined too many good men. We have to come together to solve this problem. There is a little bit of good news. We aren’t going to be hitting you with disturbing pictures on this one. This isn’t like the last time you Googled that strange spot on your dick. Today is about knowledge, and when you’re done learning, you’ll be able to conquer pineapple penis and never worry about it again.
The Basics of Pineappling Your Penis
This sounds bad, right? Well, it’s not good, but it’s not that bad either. We’re not introducing you to the new zombie dick STD that has been keeping you up at night (that’s still not a thing, yet). It’s much less sinister, but because it’s a real thing, it’s in some ways worse.
Pineapple penis is the nickname for the feeling you get when pubic hair stabs you in the dick. The imagery is that it’s similar to being poked by a pineapple in the man parts, and if you’ve experienced this problem, you might be inclined to agree.
Pineapple penis is the syndrome that makes you duck around a corner to viciously scratch your junk at work. It’s the plague that makes you sit with your legs at all angles. Above all else, it’s the nightmare that will ensure your first time with a lady is also the last (and you thought beard burn was a problem). Since you don’t want to be stabbed in the penis by a pineapple, it might be worth your time to learn about this condition in order to defeat it.
Some of you don’t manscape regularly, so you might be overlooking the potential dangers of pineapple penis. Others know exactly what this is all about. The first thing some of you need to learn is that this condition is tied to male grooming. When you cut the curlies down to size, sometimes they fight back.
It’s easy to envision when you compare facial hair. Presumably, you’ve all shaved at least once in your life, thus you understand the concept of stubble. Stubble on your face can be itchy and unpleasant, but it can also be a little fun to rub your stubbly face.
Pineapple penis is completely different. Your face isn’t connected to anything, so you don’t have body parts intrinsically rubbing against the prickly hair. When you shave the base of your shaft, you’re introducing stubble to the most sensitive skin on your body. Your inner thighs, penis, and balls can all suffer, depending on how you go about your grooming.
So, if we’re going to defend against this nightmare, we need to understand the enemy. We know that pubes aren’t so bad when they’re long (mostly they just smell). Why does shaving make such a difference?
There are two components to this issue. The first is that cutting hair actually sharpens it. Think about it. Unless you could cut every single hair perfectly perpendicular to its length, the act of cutting hair is going to create edges. Those edges can be prickly and ruin your day.
But, you can do a long trim, and pineapple penis isn’t an issue. What’s the difference? Obviously, it’s the length. When you do a long trim, the pubes still get sharpened, but because they remain long, they aren’t stiff enough to really poke into your skin. This is stress-tensor physics (maybe we’re just trying to sound smart). As things get longer, they tend to bend. It’s the bendiness that allows longer pubes to push into your flesh without it feeling like a pineapple.
It’s why a crew cut doesn’t make your hair stand on end, but a military-grade buzz cut has a totally different feel. You don’t want a military-grade buzz cut on your pubes. It’s wrong in every way.
How to Soften Stubble
Now that we know the problem, we can discuss solutions. We want pubes to be longer, less sharp and/or less stiff. We’ll discuss each of these ideas, but we’re going to start with softening the stubble. This allows you to stick to your preferred manscaping styles and techniques and simultaneously combat those evil pineapples.
Not all ideas are good ideas, and this is one that has been thrown around a lot. Originally conceived to battle facial stubble, the concept of sandpaper has merit. If you take something rough and abrasive, it can literally sand down the hairs to make them less sharp and less stiff. The only cost is your flesh, since you’re rubbing sandpaper on your skin.
Stop. You’ve only imagined it on your face so far. It’s not too late. Just read on before you picture coarse sandpaper rubbing across your shaft.
Naturally, there are versions of this that aren’t so severe. Instead of using literal sandpaper, you want a skincare equivalent. What this really means is you want to exfoliate after you shave. It might sound like a trick, but it really is that easy. You need an agitator that is a little abrasive. Some loofahs will meet this standard. Honestly, a standard, rugged washcloth does the trick.
The idea is to exfoliate daily. Doing so immediately after shaving is the most important. The exfoliating closes the pores on your skin and reduces all of the complications that add to razor burn. This is good in general, but a single session won’t prevent pineapple penis; it just makes you deal with less discomfort at the same time.
If you exfoliate daily, then when the hair peeks back through the skin, you’re going to give it a gentle massage. That does combat sharpness, but it also helps loosen the hair to eliminate that bristle. Daily exfoliation (when you shower) is an easy way to take the edge off of your pineapple penis.
Sigh. It’s at this point we have to give a disclaimer. There’s always someone who is going to take things too far. What you do in the shower is your own business, but this is not sex advice. We are definitely not telling you to use an agitator in your special personal reflection time. It’s not on us if you go too far and injure yourself.
Let’s move on.
If you Google remedies for stubble, you’re going to see a lot about beard oils and the like. There’s a reason for that. Hydrating solutions can do a lot to soften your hair. The thing is that your penis isn’t your face (even though you have been justly called a ‘penis face’ at some point in your life). The oils and treatments that are designed for your face are going to have interesting consequences downstairs.
The worst thing is that a lot of beard oils are organic oils that actually feed bacteria and fungi. You don’t want to know this, but improper use of beard oils in a poorly ventilated space can lead to the growth of yeast (and other things). Putting beard remedies on your junk can literally give you a yeast infection. Let that sink in.
Instead, use stuff that is specifically made for genital application. Manscaped makes three that work together to take care of pineapple penis. The first is Crop Cleanser. It’s a three-in-one shampoo, conditioner and body wash. This one formula is good for your pubic hair (softening it with the conditioner), softens your skin (with the hydrating body wash) and works great with your daily exfoliation. Using this correctly in the shower is enough to annihilate most cases of pineapple penis.
Crop Preserver adds power to your assets. It’s a ball deodorant that is designed to promote healthy skin and maintain the right levels of moisture around your manly parts. A daily application will keep you from smelling like swamp crotch. Meanwhile, the formula will help fight microbes by mitigating sweat and helping you maintain a healthy pH. All of this contributes to healthy skin which leads to healthy (and softer) pubic hair.
Your third formula is Crop Reviver. This is a hydrating spray that includes aloe in the formula. It soothes the skin — especially after a shave — and heals agitation that can contribute to ingrown hairs. It works in concert with the other formulas so you can add or remove moisture from the equation as you see fit. When you use them all, the pubic stubble softens, and you aren’t squeezing pineapples between your legs every time you manage the lower beard.
How to Prevent Stubble
Softening stubble is great, but some of you prefer a different approach. You want to avoid the problem altogether. That’s reasonable, and there are a few tricks to help you on your journey. Most of them have to do with how you groom, but there are a few other gems. You can try whatever you like. Eventually, you’ll figure out your own best way to keep the pineapples out of your shorts.
This is a big, generic piece of advice, but there are so many things you can do when you groom to lessen the impact of stubble. The most obvious is to skip shaving. Instead, use your trimmer and manage the length. You already know that longer hair isn’t prickly. Experiment with your trimming guards to find the magic length. From there, life is pretty easy.
If you’re not taking the easy route, then a few more tricks help avoid the stubble problem. The first is to keep your blades sharp. Dull blades exacerbate the problem and lead to much sharper hair (because the hair will fold under the blade a little before it is cut).
Along those same lines, you need to stick to conventional wisdom. Shave with the grain. There are still people out there saying the opposite, and they’re stupid. Shaving against the grain can lead to a smoother, closer shave for the first few hours after your done. But, this is steering directly into creating sharp, prickly pubes with your razor. Shaving with the grain helps you achieve perpendicular cuts more often, so you have fewer sharp hairs ruining your life.
Lastly, you can master stubble grooming. Stubble trimming is popular for beards. A lot of guys love to have a permanent five o’clock shadow. Those tricks can be applied south of the belt. The trick is to get rid of the razor and master using your trimmer without any guards. You’re still creating stiff, sharp hair, but it’s not as extreme as after a shave, and it’s easier to manage with the softening methods you just learned.
Groom Without Blades
A more surefire way to avoid stubble is to remove blades from the equation. Alternative hair removal is the name of the game. The most well-known would be waxing. It’ll hurt like that time you accidentally tried to use crazy glue for lube (we’ve all been there, right?), but if you can take the pain, you’ll find your grooming process to be much simpler. Waxing lasts longer than haircuts, and since the hair isn’t sharpened, it doesn’t grow back stubbly. You’ll see that it’s perfectly soft even at the shortest stages.
If you’re not man enough for waxing (no judgement, many of us aren’t either), there are other hair removal techniques to try. Laser removal and depilatories are both on the list. Laser treatments can be expensive, and they don’t work for everyone, but they can get you permanent (or near-permanent) hair removal. You can’t get stubble if you don’t have hair.
As for hair-removal creams, just be careful. You can’t trust reviews for this one. Instead, try it on a less-sensitive part of your body before you commit to a chemical attack on the boys. If you find something that works, it’s potentially the most painless means of managing your pubic hair. If you get it wrong, you’re in for a living nightmare. While we’re at it, be triply cautious before using the cream on the backside. Even the gentlest formula in the world is going to introduce you to a unique firestorm if it gets even the slightest bit into the back door.
Avoid Tight Clothes
The last tip is super simple. If you do shave, avoid tight clothes. This doesn’t mean you have to spend the next week naked. Loose boxers and comfy pants/shorts are fine. But, when you wear something tight right after shaving, you inhibit the regrowth pattern of your hair. It leads to ingrown hairs, and it can add to the bristly nature of your pubes. This means you don’t want to shave right before a date that requires tight clothing. Plan accordingly, and you’ll save yourself a lot of discomfort.
Treating the Problem
You got here too late? Sorry, bro. Nobody deserves pineapple penis. But, we do have some remedies for you. The hair-softening formulas we mentioned earlier can still take the edge off of your suffering. Before that, a nice compress will give you some temporary relief. Depending on the kind of day you’re having, you might prefer warm or cool. In either case, stripping down and simply soothing the skin is the trick.
You can also apply hydrocortisone cream. This reduces general irritation and will make you less sensitive to the pineapple pricks. Aside from relief, you need to focus on healing. For the most part, keep the area dry so you aren’t prone to any infections while you’re recovering (ball deodorant helps with that). You also want to avoid shaving until you fully heal. The instinct is to murder the devil hairs that are making you suffer, but if you just shave again while you’re so sensitive, round two is going to be worse. Let the area heal, and apply what you’ve learned next time around.
Pineapple penis has plagued mankind for most of our long history. It is responsible for countless awkward gaits, desperate itches and social faux pas. Those days are now behind us. As G.I. Joe taught the world many years ago, knowing is half the battle. You’ve been armed with the knowledge. It’s up to you to use it correctly. We hope you’ll take the time and effort to defeat pineapple penis once and for all. From there, we’ll all be free to manscape to our hearts’ content and seize a greater destiny.
On a less dramatic note, be sure to check in every once in a while. We’re solving a lot more than just pineapple penis here. You may find this to be the most useful resource in your daily life.