Top 10 Manscaping Jokes
The modern man is sophisticated, suave, and sensual. He’s a master of himself and his surroundings. He’s educated, witty, and a delight to be around. He’s so dedicated to being his best self that he even risks pain to shave his balls.
That’s the hard sell we all go with, anyway. Sometimes, you have to embrace your inner juvenile. These 10 jokes are raunchy, silly and downright funny. Forget your elevated self for a minute and enjoy some dirty humor. You’ve earned it.
A Birthday Surprise
A man decided to give his wife a special treat for her birthday. He used hair removal gel to tidy up downstairs for a night of devoted passion. This is how he described the event:
At first there was a gentle warmth which, in a matter of seconds, was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie.
I was never much of a religious man, but I suddenly found myself praying to any and every God who might stop the vicious burning around the turd tunnel. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip, I tried to wash the gel off in the sink. I only succeeded in blocking the drain with a clump of hair. Through the tears I floundered from the bathroom to the kitchen. By this time, walking was no longer an option, and I crawled to the fridge in desperate hope of something cool to ease my suffering.
I ripped open the freezer and grabbed a tub of ice cream. I hastily positioned it under myself and sank into stark relief. It didn’t last long, and the fiery sensation soon returned. Because of the size and shape of the ice cream, I hadn’t given any aid to the starfish, so I groped blindly for something to help the pain.
My fingers found a bag that was later revealed to be a bag of frozen peas. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ass. This was hopeless as some of the gel had managed to penetrate the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was when my wife walked in.
A Sticky Situation
I haven’t dabbled much in manscaping. I tried shaving once. It was a bloody mess. Still, my wife has made it clear that she would much prefer if I was cleaner down there, so I had to take action.
Now, she waxes regularly, so I figured I could take a page out of her book and maybe take care of business. I ran through her cabinet of grooming supplies and found some cold wax. Looks easy. Won’t burn. Let’s do this!
A very short time into this process, I come to the understanding that cold wax isn’t a thing. It needs to be heated and melted (or so I think) to be applied. So, I grab my wife’s hair dryer, get the stuff nice and malleable, and apply a small test strip. It goes on nicely, I pull it off, and the hair is gone. It doesn’t feel great, but it works.
Now it’s time to be ambitious. These pre-packaged wax strips are pretty long, so applying the single trip theory, I use an entire strip on the next round. This thing stretches from the lower pubes all the way around to the butt. It’s awkward, but fewer strips makes things easier, right?
Everything is molded and ready to go, so I make the first pull. I see stars. When I come to, I’m lying on the bathroom floor with a foot on the toilet and a clump of wax in my hand. I inspect the wax. There’s no hair. Horrified, I check the strip I just pulled. Only the top half came up. I’m going to have to go for another round.
Bracing for another round of pain, I set my foot on the floor. This is my second big mistake of the day. Upon lowering my leg, the wax sticks, and now the back door is sealed shut.
This is bad. I need a plan. The wax went on hot. Surely it will come off if I heat it up. I run the bathtub water at the most scalding temperature possible. It’s going to hurt. The boys will scream, but at least I can get my pooper back.
So, I lower myself into the tub. It hurts every bit as much as I expected, only there’s something I didn’t anticipate. The only thing worse than gluing your ass shut with cold wax is sealing that closed ass to a bathtub full of scalding water.
Who Misses These Days?
*Scratch their balls
The Straight Shooter
A man goes to the doctor. While he’s there, he brings up something that’s been bothering him.
Man: I need your help, Doc. My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always use a condom. How did it happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was a hunter who always carried his gun with him everywhere. One time, he made a mistake. When he reached for his gun, he grabbed an umbrella by mistake. While out with the umbrella, he was attacked by a lion. The man, desperate to save his skin, decided to bluff. He held the umbrella like a rifle, pointed it at the lion, and yelled “Bang!” as loudly as he could. The lion dropped dead.
Man: That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot it.
Doctor: I’m glad you understand the story.
Why We Do It
Shaving your balls is like mowing the lawn. No one wants to do it, but after it’s done, it looks and feels so nice.
It’s the Motion of the Ocean
A young sailor is about to take his first tour around the world. Nervous, he decides to visit his grandfather, a retired sailor, and ask for advice.
Sailor: Gramps, I’m excited to go on my first trip.
Gramps: That’s good son, but you better let me check your pack. You don’t want to forget anything important.
The sailor shows everything to his grandfather, only to be smacked on the back of the head.
Gramps: You’re going around the world, boy. You’re going to need pills for motion sickness. You don’t want to spend that much time spilling your guts. You also need some condoms. You’ll meet all kinds of women at port. It’s better to be prepared.
The young sailor nods enthusiastically and runs off to the store. He grabs some motion sickness pills and a box of condoms. Back at the house, he shows his grandfather. The grandfather smacks him again.
Gramps: Are you stupid? You’re going all the way around the world. This is nowhere near enough.
The young sailor takes the advice to heart and runs back to the store. He gets 10 bottles of pills and 10 packs of condoms. He shows his grandfather. Once more, he gets a smack on the head.
Gramps: This won’t even get you halfway!
The young sailor goes back to the pharmacy one last time. This time, he has to ask for help.
Sailor: I need 100 more bottles of Dramamine and 100 more packs of condoms!
Pharmacist: Listen son. I may be overstepping my bounds here, but if she makes you that sick, maybe you should stop having sex with her.”
A beautiful woman goes to the doctor. She’s out of this world, so much so that the doctor is completely awestruck. All thoughts of professionalism gone, he tells her to remove her pants, and he starts to rub her thighs.
“Do you know why I’m doing this?” he asks.
“Yes. You’re checking for abnormalities,” she answers.
He tells her to remove her shirt and bra. He starts rubbing her chest.
“Do you understand what’s happening now?”
“Yes. You’re looking for lumps and signs of cancer.”
Finally, the doctor completely loses himself. He has her get completely naked and lie on the table. He gets on top of her and starts having sex with her.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes. You’re getting herpes. That’s why I’m here.”
A Testy Situation
Missing a patch of hair when shaving your ass is like turning in a test without realizing there was a back side.
Two Texans are out drinking and get into some raunchy bar talk. They start discussing their favorite sex positions. One says to the other, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
“What’s that?” the other asks, bewildered.
“It works like this. You get your wife down on all fours. Go ahead and mount her from behind. Before you start thrusting, reach around, and cup each breast in one of your hands. While you’re doing this, whisper in her ear, ‘These are almost as nice as your sister’s.’ Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.”
Keeping it Clean
How do you know a midget is sexually harassing you?
He tells you your hair smells nice.
Did you have a little fun? That’s good. Now you have to get back to real life. Get back to work, or cleaning your house, or whatever else you’ve been putting off. Also, learn a lesson from these jokes. Keep your junk clean.